Ping Pong Drabbles
by ChuckleDoodleDoo
Summary: Named after first story. Collection of RoyEd ficlets. Humor & massive amounts of fluff. You might choke on it.
1. Ping Pong

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.**

**

* * *

**

**Ping Pong**

_  
Ping. Pong. Ping. Pong._

"Yeah, GOTCHA!" Edward shrieked, lunging forward in an attempt to smash the ball, his automail arm transformed into a racket. To his great disappointment, his opponent happened to have an even better aim. The Flame Alchemist smirked smugly as he gracefully smashed the ball back to his lover.

"_Aaargh_, goddamnit Roy!" Ed moaned after yet another miss. "This game is stupid!"

"From what I recall, _you_ were the one who insisted on playing table tennis today," Roy said, still smirking. "But since this seems to become an easy victory for me, I guess it would be a good idea to stop now. I wouldn't want to hurt your ego more than necessary... midget."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULD GET STUCK IN A PING PONG BALL AND NOT BE ABLE TO GET OUT BECAUSE HE'S SO SMALL THAT NO ONE WOULD NOTICE THAT HE'S STUCK IN THERE!"

Roy laughed and leaned over, pulling down the fuming blonde from the top of the table into a kiss that took his breath away.

"How about playing a different game, then?" the Flame breathed suggestively in Ed's ear, causing a chill to run down the blonde's spine. "Something more... _exciting_?"

The two alchemists managed to get home in ten minutes flat.


	2. Protection

**Disclaimer: I own nine copies of the FMA manga, four FMA novels, an artbook, a Roy keychain, and an Ed pin. That's all.**

* * *

**Protection**

"But this behavior is unacceptable—"

"It doesn't matter," Roy interrupted coldly, staring blankly at the man in front of him. "If you have any complaints regarding Fullmetal's ability to _work_, feel free to bring those to me and I'll decide if any action needs to be taken. But for all I care, he could be spitting on the floor and it wouldn't bother me. I trust him to get his work done regardless of his manners, and I expect you to do the same."

The Lieutenant looked down at his feet, averting his eyes from the piercing gaze of his superior.

"Very well," he cleared his throat uncertainly. "I should be leaving then."

"You're dismissed."

Roy sighed as the man turned and left the room. He lifted the phone and called a number.

"_Really_, Ed? You had to put your muddy boots on Lt. Stevenson's _chair_?"

Edward Elric snickered evilly in response.


	3. Eavesdropping

**Disclaimer:**** I don't even have enough money to buy a copy of the manga. Do you really think I own FMA?**

* * *

**Eavesdropping**

The Lieutenant headed towards Colonel Mustang's office, a file neatly tucked under his arm. Upon his arrival at the door, he reached out for the knob but hastily withdrew at the sound of two voices arguing on the other side. After a brief moment of hesitation, the man's curiosity won him over and he put his ear against the door.

"_Thank you for sending me on another dead-end mission, Colonel Useless_." The voice was that of a young male, and the Lieutenant immediately recognized it as the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric.

"_You can't possibly blame _me_ for your being too short succeed your mission, pipsqueak."_ The other voice was unmistakably Colonel Mustang.

"_WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN'T COMPLETE A MISSION BECAUSE HE WAS TOO SHORT TO EVEN HEAR THE INSTRUCTIONS!"_

The Lieutenant jumped at the sudden shout. 'What the hell is happening? Is this normal?'

He could hear Mustang's laugh before he answered. _"Only you, my love."_

"What the..." the eavesdropper whispered, shocked as he heard the last words. There was a short silence, and then the smacking sound of lips meeting lips. Fullmetal's voice:

"_I take it you missed me while I was gone—nghh!"_ A groan was heard. _"Take it easy, we have enough time Roy, dammit..."_ More moans followed.

The Lieutenant pulled his flushing face away and ran off, desperate to get as far away from the office as possible. Left on the floor was only his file, completely forgotten.


	4. Short joke

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own FMA, and never will. You know, that's a good thing… **

**

* * *

**

**Short joke #323**

"Roy, what the hell is this?" Ed exclaimed. Bored out of his mind and in lack of anything to do, he was currently going through the pile of papers in the Colonel's desk drawers.

"That would be papers, Fullmetal," said Colonel replied, not even looking up from his paperwork.

"I could figure that out by myself, you bastard, but..." Something didn't fit in the drawer. Ed checked again. Alchemy notes there, old (unfinished) paperwork there, various files with labels... and a notebook. That was it! It looked new. 'Fuhrer' said the bold letters on the yellow cover. After sneaking a quick glance at Roy, Ed opened it and read:

"To-do after I've become Fuhrer", by Roy Mustang

**1.** Change the female uniforms.

**2.** Burn paperwork.

**3.** Introduce the Yearly Dwarf Day in honor of Fullmetal.

Needless to say, the blonde alchemist wasn't very happy with the future Fuhrer after that.

At least the poor man managed to keep all of his teeth.


	5. Genetics

**Disclaimer: ****I own... uh... my sanity. What's left of it anyway.**

* * *

**Genetics**

"Bb or bB, what the hell is the difference?" Roy heard Ed mutter, the blonde's head buried in a book.

He'd been laying there all afternoon, never talking to Roy or even looking up from that oh-so-interesting book of his. The Colonel had considered asking what he was doing to satisfy his curiosity, but the younger alchemist's posture clearly showed that he didn't wish to be interrupted. Even a 'Do not disturb' sign on his forehead couldn't have made it more obvious.

"Yellow's superior... that damn bastard's fault... mother had blue, that's a b... so it would be... no, Roy's all black..."

The mention of his name drove Roy's curiosity over the edge.

"Ed, what are you doing?"

Edward looked up, slightly annoyed. "I'm reading."

The Colonel eyed him suspiciously.

"What? It's nothing!" Ed's face reddened.

"You _sure_?"

"Okay, okay!" The Fullmetal sighed. "It's biology. More exactly, genetics."

"Human transmutations?"

"No!" Ed refused to meet his eyes. "It's just... I wanted to check..."

"Yes...?"

"... which color our kids would have on their eyes."

Roy fainted.


	6. Weekends

**Disclaimer:**** (insert witty comment here)**

**

* * *

**

**Weekends**

Roy had always had a special schedule for weekends. Two dates and then one day off, that was the routine. But that had changed. These days, his weekends were all about Ed.

They would start by sleeping in late, staying in bed for hours to enjoy snuggle in the comfortable warmth and enjoy the other's presence. Eventually they would get up and eat some breakfast, which basically consisted of a starving, sleepy Ed sitting in Roy's lap and demanding extra helpings of scrambled eggs. The rest of the day would usually be spent by reading books in the Flame's private library. Regardless of the amount of interaction between the two, it was peaceful – and a great change from Ed's stressful and emotionally exhausting missions. Strangely enough, it turned out that both alchemists appreciated the silence.

Around dinnertime they ordered take-out, and then played some games before going to bed. Ed usually lost, which made for an excellent of the night. Some days they were content to simply lay there talking, but most of the time, their late night activities kept them awake for hours, leaving them exhausted by dawn.

And as Roy woke up on Sunday morning, his face buried in a tangle of tousled golden locks and a cold automail arm was slung over his stomach, he decided that he preferred the new routine. He'd pick weekends with Ed over all others any day.

* * *

(**Ed:** I... liked it.

**Roy:** Oh you great sap. Want a handkerchief? _Ouch!_ Why the hell did you slap me for?

**Ed:** I didn't slap you, I just high-fived you in the face.)


	7. Drag

**Disclaimer:** **You wouldn't **_**really**_** sue me… right?**

* * *

**Drag**

"Hmm, Ed…?" Roy looked down at the young man whose hair was currently blocking his view.

"What is it now?" came the muffled answer from the blonde resting on his chest.

"I've been thinking."

"Again? You're thinking too much."

Roy ignored his lover's remark. "You would look good in drag."

"_What?!_" Ed's head jerked up. "Drag – as in dressed in girly clothes, wearing that disgusting sticky make-up thing, and stuff like that?"

"Yeah." The raven-haired man pulled him down against his chest again, caressing the golden locks with his fingers. "And a miniskirt."

"Not. A. Chance." Ed buried his head further in the older alchemist's chest.

"What about pigtails?" Roy tried.

"HELL NO!"

"But—"

"End of discussion. Never ask me again. Now, sleep."

Roy sighed and closed his eyes. Well, it_ had_ been worth a try...


	8. Hair I

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing. I wouldn't mind owning FMA though. I wonder if I can borrow it?**

* * *

**Hair I**

Sunrays danced over the growing leaves of spring, birds chirped happily, and the fresh smell of pre-summer permeated in the air. It was a perfect morning in Central.

Perfect for everyone except a certain blonde alchemist, that is.

Edward Elric glared at his reflection in the mirror. Why did this have to happen now? Damn the State Alchemist meeting that had to be today, damn Roy for forcing him to attend (he strongly suspected that the bastard had even arranged the meeting himself just to annoy him, but Ed had yet to get this confirmed), and DAMN this day for being his WorstHairDayEver™.

Annoyed, he pushed some stray strands of hair out of his face, and muttered something about "pushy bastards" and not-so-sweet little nothings about his lover. Having given up on the comb a long time ago, he settled for doing it the hard way. And he could use some help.

"_Roy!_" he shouted, throwing up the bathroom door. "Come and help me out with this shit!"

The raven-haired man complied – unusually cheerful – to help with the blonde nest. Ed hated to admit it, but he couldn't help but enjoy the way the smug bastard untangled his hair and occasionally scratched his scalp. And then, as he felt Roy's lips gently touch the back of his neck, he decided that maybe – just maybe – the day could turn out to be a good one after all.


	9. Hair II

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own FMA, but I like tomatoes.**

* * *

**Hair II**

Ed frowned. He had always thought that Roy looked like he was the kind of person who spent way too much time in front of the mirror. Later when they became lovers – and he learned things about Roy on a more personal level – his theory was proved true. The man really _did_ spend too much time in front of mirrors. Merely styling his hair took about as long time as Ed spent on his looks altogether.

The blonde watched the Colonel reach up and pushed some stray tendrils of hair to the other side, and was suddenly hit with a thought. He grinned mischievously.

"Roy?"

"Yes?" Roy answered while rearranging his bangs for the third time.

"You always talk about me being the girl in our relationship... but you know, you're quite the woman yourself."

"Oh?" The raven-haired man lifted a well-picked eyebrow. "I was under the impression that we settled my gender last night in bed. Was I wrong?" He smirked at Ed's blushing face through the mirror.

"Would you like to check again?" Roy continued in a falsely innocent voice, enjoying the almost scandalized look he got from the speechless blonde.

"Bastard," Ed finally sputtered.

"You're welcome."


	10. Cosplay scene

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own FMA. Do you? GIMME!**

* * *

**Cosplay scene**

**Ed-** _(kicks up the door and stomps in) (boils with anger)_ – Colonel!

**Roy-** _(sits behind his desk signing papers) (smirks)_ – Ah, Fullmetal. Long time no see.

**Ed-** _(glares) (walks to the desk)_ What the hell do you mean with "long time no see"? Are you implying that I'm too small to be seen?!

**Roy-** _(still smirking)_ – No, Fullmetal, you're just... vertically challenged.

**Ed-** _(face reddens)_ WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO DAMN SMALL THAT HE WOULD BE CRUSHED BY AN ANT!

**Roy-** _(stifles snicker)_ Why, I didn't say any of that, Edward.

**Ed-** _(glares)_ You were thinking it.

**Roy-** Anyway, shorty _(receives another glare)_, your report.

**Ed-** _(pouts)_ I didn't have time! We came home yesterday!

**Roy-** _(begins to sign papers)_ Well then, you can do it oral.

**Ed-** WHAT?! _(blushes)_

**Roy-** _(looks up, smirking evilly) _An oral report, Fullmetal. Means speak.

**Ed-** I knew that! _(mutters)_ Bastard.


	11. Nightmares

**Disclaimer:** **Hiromu Arakawa. Not me. Seriously.**

* * *

**Nightmares**

The darkness approached and slowly surrounded him. He was blinded even through the lack of light and couldn't see, couldn't hear, and not even blink. Hundreds of pairs of hands tugged him against the huge gate, trying to keep him there. There was no way to get away from them, they were everywhere, clamped down on his limbs, and refused to let go...

Edward Elric woke up. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on the library floor. His hands – sticky with sweat – were trembling as he struggled to get up on his feet.

'Roy', was the sole point his frazzled mind could focus on. 'I have to go find Roy.'

Edward stood up and shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the horrid images summoned by his resting brain. It didn't work. He decided to follow his instincts and ran out of the library, ignoring the stares he received from the librarians.

He hurried across the parking lots separating the library building from that of the Headquarters with the wind crying in his hears and the cold raindrops hailing down on his skin. Fear clogged his senses and he increased his pace. Why didn't the nightmares leave him? It had been such a long time since that incident now that he'd thought... but no.

Edward didn't calm down before he was in his lover's arms. Roy embraced the shivering young man, stroking away the damp hair that clung to his jaw. He whispered soothing words in the blonde's ear and kissed his cheek, trying to ease his fear.

Slowly, Edward's pulse went back to normal. But he didn't want let go of Roy, he never did.

So he didn't.


	12. Cats and Dogs

**Disclaimer: ****I can't even draw a stick figure. Do you **_**think**_** I'd own FMA?**

* * *

**Cats and Dogs**

"Cats."

"Dogs."

"No, cats."

"DOGS, DOGS, DOGS!" Ed said, flailing his arms in the air.

"Cats are much better," Roy insisted.

"No way! Dogs are always home with you, while cats run off and are gone for... I don't know, hours. Or days. Weeks, even."

"Cats don't follow orders if they don't want to. They are independent and have a free will."

"Dogs are better leaders," Ed prompted.

"Dogs dig up useless things and act as if they're important," Roy announced, smirking. "And they have a tendency to hide your clothes."

"But dogs are a security and something to trust!"

"Dogs are boring. Cats, on the other hand, like to sleep on your stomach. They're cute and small."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SUPER SHORT MINISCULE OF A DAMN KITTEN!" the blonde shouted.

"I don't know what you're talking about, dwarf."

"WHAT ARE YOU—" Ed stopped in the beginning of his rant, glancing curiously at Roy for a moment. Then his lips slowly formed a smile. He understood. "... But dog and cat are best together, right?"

His lover smiled back. "Of course, Edward."

_Of course._


	13. Caught

**Disclaimer:**** I own three Muse shirts. I don't own FMA.**

For **Ska Chick and Anime Freak**, written by her request.

* * *

**Caught**

'What is Brother doing?' Al wondered. He was trying tell himself that it _had_ to be a good reason behind his brother's behavior, and that he shouldn't take it personally. He was only mildly successful. 'Does he think I'm stupid? I know he's hiding something. It's... obvious.'

It really was. Whenever Ed had been home the past week, it had only been for changing clothes, taking a shower, or filling his stomach. As if he needed to spend _that_ much time in the library! Ever since they had gotten back from their last trip, he had been gone every day. Well, he still did research, but not as much as he used to. Al was quite sure he didn't study in the library. You really didn't become sweaty by reading books, no matter how exciting they might be.

Of course the younger Elric was completely capable of doing the research without his brother's help, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that _Ed_ was hiding something for him. Ed! The entire concept was so ridiculous he would've laughed if he hadn't been so upset about it. Al was determined to find out what was kept from him.

'_Alphonse, you're being unforgivably nosy! Mind your own business!'_ His mind scolded him.

'But I just have to make sure he doesn't do something stupid or reckless! It's my duty as a brother to prevent him from getting involved in dangerous things!" Al defended himself. 'Brother's business is practically my business too, anyway.'

'_Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that,'_ his mind muttered, rolling its eyes.

Al couldn't for his life understand how his mind could talk, or roll its eyes for that matter, so he decided to dismiss its advice for the sake of his own sanity.

Next morning he followed Ed to the library, hiding outside for about ten minutes before he entered. He headed towards their usual seats by the other side of the building but stopped as he suddenly heard sounds.

Al hesitantly rounded the corner, and let out a cry at the sight.

His brother and Colonel Mustang, half-naked and kissing, the blonde sitting in the other's lap, and both of them looking _very_ content.

Alphonse Elric—an innocent, naive, young teenager… traumatized for life.


	14. Tough Decisions

**Disclaimer: ****I-DO-NOT-OWN-FMA. **

* * *

**Tough decisions**

'It's in situations like these you're supposed to make a mature decision to show that you deserve your high-ranked title...' Roy thought, sighing as he compared the two alternatives to each other. On the right side of his desk lay his loathed paperwork, large amounts of text needing his signature. On the left sat Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist and his lover since two years back, only wearing a tight tank top and boxers.

'But...' Roy continued in his mind, unable to tear his eyes away from the gorgeous blonde, 'screw mature decisions.'

He leaned forward, Ed's lips meeting his halfway and connecting in a passionate kiss. And as Roy deepened the kiss, his hands playing with golden strands of hair, he thought:

'Mature or not, I did make the _right _choice.'


	15. Snowman and Paperwork

**Disclaimer: ****Do I **_**look**_** like I'm Hiromu Arakawa? ... I didn't think so. **

* * *

**Snowmen and Paperwork**

He glared at the paperwork.

It glared back.

The silent battle went on in a spectacular way. Roy stared – frowning in deep concentration - and the eyeless paperwork returned his stare.

They were interrupted when the office door slammed open, revealing... a snowman. Roy blinked stupidly before realizing that "the snowman" was none other than Edward Elric, newly arrived back from a mission. He felt a smirk tug on his lips.

Ed shook his head furiously, the snow clinging to his hair flying everywhere. He walked up to the Colonel's desk, dripping the melting snow in a trail behind him.

"Fullmetal," Roy began, his smirk widening as he studied the blonde's soaked appearance. "Be careful, or you'll rust."

Ed merely snorted. He walked around to where Roy sat, ignoring his lover's weak protests as he plopped down in his lap.

"It's your fault I'm like this, you bastard," the blonde muttered, glancing back at him. Roy wrapped his arms tightly around Ed's waist, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

"I've never left you _that_ wet now, have I?"

Edward shifted around on his lap, sending him a glare. Roy only managed to catch a glimpse of the slight blush covering Ed's cheeks before the his lips were captured in a harsh kiss. With all their weight put to one side, the chair they were sitting on tumbled backwards, making Ed and Roy fall to the floor. Despite the mess off arms and legs that followed, neither Roy nor Ed cared enough to cease their kissing for even a few seconds.

The Colonel decided to delay the battle with his paperwork for a while.


	16. Excuses

**Disclaimer: ****If I did own FMA, why would I be writing **_**fan**_**fiction?**

* * *

**Excuses**

Riza Hawkeye sighed. The Colonel and Edward were late – _again_. If a gun threat didn't motivate them enough to get to work on time, what would?

They came in an hour late. Roy – looking as smug as always with his infamous smirk gracing his lips – tugged Ed behind him with his flesh hand in a firm grip. To Ed's great humiliation, Roy made them walk slower than usual, as if _that _would hide the blonde's current state. His lower body was a pain in the ass – literally. Oh, they were _so_ dead.

Hawkeye confronted them as soon as they entered, her face rigid.

"Colonel, Major, sir. You're late. Any excuses?"

"It was _his_ fault," Ed said, pointing at his lover, already forgetting to keep his mouth shut. "He wanted some in the shower, even if we'd already done it once this morning!"

"You didn't seem to mind though," the Flame mumbled, still smirking.

"That's _not_ the point!" Ed said, blushing furiously under his bangs. Roy snickered and kissed him teasingly on the nose, before turning to the speechless First Lieutenant.

"So there you've got your excuse. Good enough? Then I'll get started with that paperwork. Ed... I'll see you at lunch. You're both dismissed."

And before the trigger-happy woman had time to recover, they fled.


	17. Movie Night

**Disclaimer:**** I've actually never owned a manga, like **_**ever**_**. How weird is that? **

* * *

**Movie night**

"Watch out! Damn, not again…"

Roy and Ed were watching a movie at Roy's place. They sat snuggled up in the loveseat, and the blonde amused himself with running commentary throughout the movie.

"Geez, he's even more of a bastard than you are!" Ed suddenly exclaimed, bending his neck to look up at his lover. "That's just... impossible."

The black-haired man studied the man on the screen critically. "Still, he's taller than you." He snickered when Ed twitched and turned towards him.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'D BE CRUSHED BY THE WEIGHT OF A REMOTE!"

Roy mumbled something under his breath.

"What?"

"You're also much cuter than him."

Ed sent him a poisonous glare. "Are you implying that I'm cute like a _girl_?!"

"Aren't you the sensitive one tonight?" Roy sighed briefly, running his hand through the blonde's hair. He cupped Ed's cheek and pulled him in for a kiss.

Minutes later, the two alchemists had completely forgotten the movie as their tongues clashed and the room suddenly appeared to be so much hotter. Roy smirked into the kiss.

If it was something he had learned about Ed, it was that he was very, very easily distracted.


	18. Chased

**Disclaimer:**** I've actually never owned a manga, like **_**ever**_**. How weird is that? **

* * *

**Movie night**

"Watch out! Damn, not again…"

Roy and Ed were watching a movie at Roy's place. They sat snuggled up in the loveseat, and the blonde amused himself with running commentary throughout the movie.

"Geez, he's even more of a bastard than you are!" Ed suddenly exclaimed, bending his neck to look up at his lover. "That's just... impossible."

The black-haired man studied the man on the screen critically. "Still, he's taller than you." He snickered when Ed twitched and turned towards him.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'D BE CRUSHED BY THE WEIGHT OF A REMOTE!"

Roy mumbled something under his breath.

"What?"

"You're also much cuter than him."

Ed sent him a poisonous glare. "Are you implying that I'm cute like a _girl_?!"

"Aren't you the sensitive one tonight?" Roy sighed briefly, running his hand through the blonde's hair. He cupped Ed's cheek and pulled him in for a kiss.

Minutes later, the two alchemists had completely forgotten the movie as their tongues clashed and the room suddenly appeared to be so much hotter. Roy smirked into the kiss.

If it was something he had learned about Ed, it was that he was very, very easily distracted.


	19. Sugar Craving

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own FMA, but I do own... uh, a cup of sugar? Yes?**

Requested by **I love Malfoy as a ferret**.

* * *

**Sugar Craving**

There was a loud noise and a _bang_ that echoed through the house. Roy stirred in his state of half-awake, half-asleep. What the hell was going on downstairs in the middle of the night? Oh, right...

"Edward?" he asked through the darkness of the bedroom, not really expecting an answer from the blonde. As if on cue, the door slammed open, revealing said blonde.

Roy sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes.

"Ed," he complained, "if you're planning on destroying the whole place that's fine, but please do it more quietly. You know, I'm kind of trying to sleep here..."

He let out a yelp of surprise as his lover suddenly crashed into him in a not-so-swift move, pushing him back against the mattress. Ed buried his face in the white fabric that was Roy's pajama shirt.

"Roooy, I want _candy_!" he whined.

The raven-haired man sighed. "Why don't you eat the treats we bought yesterday?"

"Can't find them. I'm so sure we took them home, but I can't remember where I put them..."

Roy frowned. "Did you look in the pantry?"

"Yes."

"Have you checked all of the other places? The cupboards above the kitchen sinks?"

"Yup."

"The refrigerator? The stove? The oven? The fridge?"

"All done."

"Under the kitchen table?"

"That too."

Ed crawled up to Roy's face and looked down at the newly awoken man. His dark hair was slightly tousled and his eyes were still sleepy as they met his golden ones. Instinctively, the blonde leaned down and captured his lover's lips in a kiss that quickly turned deep.

Roy pulled back after a while, panting slightly.

"Shit, Ed, what did you do?"

The younger male grinned and licked his lips before replying.

"Nib-sugar, everything we had left. What? I had to have _something_ sweet!"

Roy grumbled. "Your teeth are going to melt away if you pick up such habits."

"Really?" Ed questioned, still grinning. "Well then, let's enjoy the time we have left while I still have my teeth firmly in place."

He leaned back and kissed Roy once again, roughly shoving his tongue into his mouth as soon as the other man granted him entrance. The black-haired man winced at the very sugary taste, but soon gave in and reciprocated with matching force.

After all, he did have a thing for sweet things too. Especially ones wrapped in gold.


	20. Cactus

****

Disclaimer:

**I own ten (now empty) cans of Coke. They're on my desk.**

* * *

**Cactus**

"This storm is killing me," Ed muttered, taking a seat on the couch in the Colonel's office.

"Welcome to the club. Spread the joy," Roy replied mirthlessly. He was leaning back in his chair, watching the heavy rain through the windows with a bored look on his face.

The blonde was still mumbling about the weather, trying to find a position he deemed comfortable.

"Al's moving to Risembool. He's marrying Winry," he suddenly said, pretending to be extremely interested in his fingernails.

Roy turned around to look at the blonde. "Oh?"

"I'm not following."

The raven-haired man raised a curious eyebrow.

"Why not?"

"Well", he took a deep breath. "Someone has take care of your cactus."

"My cactus?" Roy repeated, completely bewildered.

"Yes, your cactus! It might need water... sometime."

The Colonel smirked as the blonde finished his sentence. His cactus, _sure_. He got up from his chair and went to the blonde on the couch. The rain was still falling outside, wet drops drumming against the glass of the windows, but Roy didn't notice anymore.

Kissing Ed lightly, he said, "You can move in with me and my cactus whenever you want. As for the water," he smirked evilly, "_I_ might need some liquid too."

Roy snickered at Ed's blush, before kissing him again.


	21. Let's Talk About Sex

**Disclaimer:**** I'm broke. I couldn't afford FMA even if I wanted to.**

Inspired by the Salt'n'Pepa song "Let's talk about sex", requested by… someone.

* * *

**Let's talk about sex**

Roy sat down on the couch, watching the blonde on the seat in front of him. He cleared his throat multiple times until Ed finally sighed and looked up from his book.

"What is it, bastard?"

Roy folded his hands in his lap and grinned inwardly before he began:

"Hey, Edward… Let's talk about sex."

The blonde stared at him in disbelief, a faint shade of pink starting to spread over his cheeks.

"Talk about _what_?"

"I believe you heard me."

Ed mumbled something under his breath and frowned. He didn't understand why Roy suddenly wanted to talk about... _that_, and more importantly, why he had to take that discussion _now_ when he had just arrived home from a mission and wanted some peace and calm.

Then he turned suspicious. _Of course_ his lover wouldn't want to discuss something just for fun, or to "steady their relationship". That simply wasn't Roy. Unless…

He studied the black-haired man critically for a moment before speaking.

"Exactly _what_ do you want us to talk about?"

"Well…" Roy started, smiling a bit. "All the good things – and the bad things – that may be. It's _natural_ for two people in a relationship to talk about sex, you know."

Ed reluctantly put down his book, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Then speak, if it's so important to you."

Roy continued, ignoring the annoyed glare he received from his lover.

"I wanted to ask you whether or not you are satisfied with our… _routine_."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think it would be nice to try something... _new_?"

The raven-haired man heard the swishing sound Ed's fist before he felt the impact. His cheek started to swell just as the blonde jumped up from the couch and shouted:

"ROY MUSTANG, I'M _NOT_ DOING BONDAGE!"

Then he stomped out from the room, leaving his lover alone to nurse his wounded pride. He deserved it. It would be a very cold day in hell before Edward Elric would do something like _that_.


	22. No Milk

**Disclaimer: ****Please don't make me say it again.**

Requested by **Me And My God Complex**.

* * *

**No Milk**

"Ed!" came Roy's screaming voice from the kitchen. Edward rolled his eyes, not looking up from his book.

"What?" he yelled back.

"Did you take all of the milk that was left?"

Ed sighed. Grumbling, he rose from his comfortable seat and went out to the kitchen.

"Why the hell would I drink that disgusting stuff?" he wondered.

"I'll just take a random guess here… you were thirsty?" Roy answered, smirking at the scowl that appeared on the blonde's face.

"I didn't drink it."

"Then who did? Nobody else lives here."

"I said I DIDN'T DRINK IT!"

The raven-haired man watched with amusement as his younger lover turned furiously red. Edward was as entertaining as always. Now there was only one thing left before his _little _teasing round was complete. Literally.

"Did you finally notice that milk is healthy and wanted a growth spurt?" he asked, smirking.

Ed answered by grabbing the first thing he could find and threw it at the older male. The empty bottle of milk missed Roy's head by half an inch.

"Why don't you just tell me already?" The Flame swiftly dodged the various utensils that were thrown at him.

"GAH! I did _not_, I repeat – _NOT_ drink it! That's final!" Ed shouted and fumed out of the kitchen, one unfortunate ladle still remaining in the firm grip of his metal hand.

Left was Roy, smirking as he poured himself a glass of juice. He had finished the last of the milk earlier that day… and considering the reaction he'd gotten out of Ed, it had been worth it.

It had been completely worth it.


	23. The Paparazzi

**Disclaimer: ****If I owned FMA, I'd make Ed taller. (Or maybe not.)**

Another request by **Ska Chick and Anime Freak**.

* * *

**The Paparazzi**

"This is really getting better every time, isn't it?" Ed managed to get out between pants and breathy moans, as his black-haired lover littered his neck with hot kisses. Roy mumbled something affirmative, continuing to lick and suck on the pale skin, slowly trailing upwards towards the inviting jaw and kiss-swollen lips.

They were in Roy's office, officially having "lunch." Naturally, neither of them had been able to keep their hands off the another as they for once were in the same room without prying eyes around. Ed's missions were always hard on them, especially the ones that went on for weeks. They never seemed to get enough time together.

Clothes were thrown everywhere and Edward's loose hair was a tangled mess, Roy's hands traveling down his body as a sudden clicking noise sounded through the room.

They reluctantly stopped their ministrations to see what had interrupted them, only to be met by two green eyes belonging to one grinning Maes Hughes.

"Oh, don't worry about me!" Hughes chirped, snapping another picture of the pair. Ed let out a surprised yelp and dove in behind his lover's body to shield himself, as Roy shouted:

"Hughes, you're _so_ fried for this!"

The Lieutenant snickered and snapped another picture, making his escape before the embarrassed couple could lay a finger on him. Or – as it would be in this case – flames and a sharp automail blade.


	24. Spreading the Joy

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own FMA. You should probably be happy about that.**

Continuation of _The Paparazzi_, part two of **Ska Chick and Anime Freak**'s request.

* * *

**Spreading the Joy**

Hughes whistled cheerfully as he walked through the corridors of the headquarters. For some unfathomable reason, he seemed to have miraculously managed to avoid the wrath of Roy and Ed. Probably thanks to his lucky star-in-the-sky, the lucky medallion, the lucky aftershave-he-used-this-morning, the lucky shoes, the lucky non-existent cigarette, and the lucky pictures of Elysia. But he wasn't sure.

The Colonel's subordinates worked silently at their desks.

"Anyone who wants to see my new, sweet family pictures?" Hughes asked, flashing a brilliant smile towards everyone who cared to look up. "You do!" he beamed, pointing at Fuery.

The poor man frantically shook his head. "N-no sir, that's not necessary—"

"Don't be shy now! I _know_ you want to!"

From seemingly nowhere, Hughes pulled out a thick bunch of glossy pictures. The other officers came to Fuery's side for moral support, knowing that the psyche of the small man with glasses wasn't the most stable under great stress.

The first picture was one of Elysia holding flowers, the next one without flowers, then together with a friend, in the sunshine, with a doll, on her way out of a car, from behind a giant cake on her birthday, while eating ice cream… and then a picture of two familiar alchemists during a heavy make out session in an office that also was all-too-familiar…

Fuery screamed and hid under his desk, Falman blushed, Breda looked as if a dog had just pooped on him, and Havoc nearly swallowed his cigarette. But the usually collected, self-controlled, always-calm Hawkeye... freaked out.

The office door slammed open with a thunderous bang.

Roy and Ed (this time fully clothed) looked at the intruder, their faces slowly dropping their color at the sight. A very upset Riza Hawkeye and her trusty, loaded gun pulled out of its holster stood in the doorway. Oh shit.

"ED, OPEN THE WINDOW!"

"Try to distract her!"

"_You're not getting away with this!_"

Lesson of the Day: Don't ever try to have sex in a private office. Especially not if your best friend or lover's best friend is a madman with paparazzi tendencies, the door isn't locked, and the closest woman has the best aim in the entire military. The consequences are likely to be fatal.


	25. A Night Under the Moon

**Disclaimer: ****I did own FMA once... but then I woke up.**

Inspired by L'Arc-en-Ciel's beautiful "the silver shining".

* * *

**A Night Under the Moon**

Not a sound could be heard in the night. The gleaming crescent of the moon lit up the sky, its faint silver shining over the grounds of the earth. Tall shadows grew and reached far across abandoned fields ands sleeping houses, covering them in darkness.

Roy sat under a tree, leaning against the trunk with his head tilted upwards, admiring the sight of the night sky. For as long as he could remember, the moon had always been a fascination of his. It was so grand and striking despite being so far off in the distance. Its shape could change in one night but still stay fundamentally the same. Despite being constantly surrounded by stars in different sizes, it stayed strong and independent. Its cool grace always remained.

Roy sighed, but allowed himself to silently continue to watch the sky above. He had never been much for philosophy, but the night air did weird things to his head.

The sound of uneven footsteps in the damp grass interrupted his thoughts. He turned slightly to face the blonde-haired man as Ed sat down beside him.

"Still watching the moon, eh?" his lover greeted with a small smile.

"Yes. It's a nice night," Roy answered, pulling the younger male closer. They sat there for a while, enjoying the silence.

Then Ed let out a soft chuckle.

"Hopeless, aren't we?"

Roy smirked. "It's a shame, really."

As time slowly passed, the moon disappeared from the early morning sky to give place for the distant rays of the sun. Roy and Ed had long since abandoned the garden for the wonders of their bedroom, feeling strangely inspired by the glimmer of the moon and the stars.

It was a welcome change… being hopeless romantics for a night.


	26. Innocence

**Disclaimer:** No, no, NO. Just… no.

Request by **Me And My God Complex**.

* * *

**Innocence**

Elysia Hughes was innocence personified, cute little girl as she was. Her father always held a protective hand over her blonde head, shielding her from the evil and the injustice of the world. However natural as this may be, it also opened for certain inconveniences. Of course, the poor Maes Hughes would be the first to learn of it.

He was sitting in the living room reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee in his hand when his little daughter approached him.

"Daddy, can I ask you something?"

He smiled and put the paper aside, carefully lifting the girl up to sit on his lap. Elysia made herself comfortable, and then went back to her musings.

"Daddy, why aren't people always wearing clothes?"

Hughes frowned slightly at the unexpected question, but dismissed it as sheer curiosity.

"Well, sometimes they don't want to. You don't wear clothes when mommy's bathing you, right? You can't bathe unless you're naked. You don't get clean then."

His daughter seemed to consider that for a while.

"But daddy, do you bath at work?"

"Not on my work, no," he said and patted her head. "We all have special clothes then. You know the blue uniforms?"

She nodded and looked at the white button-up her father was currently wearing, as he was off work. "Yeah, they're funny!" She let out a small giggle. "But I saw Uncle Roy and Big Brother Edward not wearing any clothes!"

Hughes choked on the mouth-full of coffee that had been on its way down his throat, but managed to swallow it in time.

"What?!"

Elysia giggled again at her father's reaction. He was always so funny.

"I think they were hugging... but it didn't look like a normal hug like the ones you and mommy give me. I don't know..."

Realization dawned on Hughes and he had to fight the urge to run to the office and strangle his so-called best friend and his lover. So much for taking his daughter to work one day. He didn't want to know what Elysia had been unfortunate enough to witness.

"Elysia, darling! They didn't... _do_ anything to you, right?" Hughes said, gently placing his hands on his daughter's shoulders, trying to fight the anger that was building inside him.

She shook her head. "No, no, it was fun!" she chirped, before her smile fell. "But Big Brother Edward became mad at me... even though I didn't say he was small!"

Her father blinked twice, not sure if he'd heard right.

"Uncle Roy is bigger."

'Ohdeargodpleasehelpme...' Hughes thought, panicking.

"Elysia, sweetie, I think it's time for you to go to bed now! Aren't you tired?" He hurriedly stood up with the small girl in his arms, feeling very awkward. After he had made sure she rested safely in her room, he went down to make a phone call.

Roy and Ed did not sleep well that night.


	27. At the Dentist

**Disclaimer: ****Cinderella has a shoe made of glass.**

* * *

**At the Dentist**

Ed shook his head. "I refuse."

"But sir, I can't do the examination properly if you don't take it off," the dentist said, trying to pursue the stubborn young man that was the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Then don't do anything about my damn teeth! I don't get why I was called here in the first place!"

The man sighed. "It's only the annual check-up since you're still so young, Mr. Elric…" he swallowed nervously at the glare he received as he mentioned the other's age. "Just take the scarf off and it'll be over soon, sir. Please."

"No!" the blonde said, looking down to hide the blush that spread across his cheeks. Why had he gone over there anyway? He could've changed the appointment and avoided the trouble of making up excuses, but no, he hadn't thought of that. And now it was too late.

"But you have to give me access to your mouth, sir."

"Which part of 'no' and 'I refuse' didn't you understand?" Ed nearly screamed as he pulled the green scarf tighter around his neck. "This is only a shitty shit place anyway! Can't you just _write_ that I've been here and that everything's okay? It's easier for you!"

"I'm sorry but I can't do that," the dentist said, finally losing his patience. "Take it off or you'll have to pay for wasting my time."

"FINE!" Ed stomped forward and placed himself in the dentist chair in his typical fashion, tugging the green fabric off his neck. The dentist stared. Ed could feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment, but tried to ignore it.

There it was – a bright, purplish mark, abnormally large and fully visible for everyone who cared to look. 'The Hickey of Your Nightmares' shone on the pale skin of his neck.

Roy Mustang was a damn bloody bastard.


	28. Billiards

**Disclaimer:** I like shrimps (and so does Roy).

A/N: Thanks for the wonderful reviews, you guys really are the best! You're spoling me. Anyhow... this one turned out A LOT longer than I originally planned. I'm digging my own grave here, but I had a good time doing it. xD Hope you enjoy.

**

* * *

**

**Billiards**

_Well, wasn't this nice._

Roy studied his surroundings, a frown slowly beginning to form on his handsome face. The billiard hall was downright _crowded_, with people standing everywhere. The air was thick of smoke and perfume, and the faint shone that came from the ceiling lamps didn't do much to light up the local. Soft music could be heard from a band playing on a small scene in the other end of the room, the calm tunes colliding with the messy atmosphere in a soothing fashion. Roy sighed. There was no chance that they would be able to get a billiard table, at least not within the nearest month or so. He turned around to inform Ed about this oh-so-obvious problem, but the blonde was nowhere to be found.

"Great," he muttered, "just _great_."

-

"What do you mean, 'too young to play billiards'? I'm eighteen!" Ed half-shouted in the face of the man in front of him. Then he quickly added "... well, almost."

The man shook his head. "Doesn't make any difference. You can't have this table."

"And why the hell not?" Ed was vaguely aware of that the obstinate-child-with-an-attitude-problem tactic might not be the wisest to use in this case (if in any), but still, he _needed_ that table. If he found an available one before Roy, he'd get to see the surprised and a bit humiliated look that would appear on the bastard's face for not having been first. And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be worth any effort.

"As I said, you're too young," the man prompted, ignoring the blonde's protests as he continued, "I don't know how you even got in here. Besides... I'm not dealing with _shrimps_."

(3... 2... 1...)

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SLIMY LITTLE SHELLFISH SO SMALL THAT HE COULD BE SWALLOWED BY A BABY GOLDFISH AND NOT DIE BECAUSE HE'S TOO SMALL TO CHEW ON THAT THE FISH WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT IT HAS SOMETHING IN ITS MOUTH!"

-

He heard him before he could see him. Or rather, he could tell by the way every person in the billiard hall stopped talking that Ed just had showed off another temper tantrum. Roy went through the crowd of temporarily frozen people towards the centre of the fuss.

As expected, Ed stood there, red-faced and holding a billiard cue split in two in his automail hand. Roy couldn't hold back a smirk as the blonde looked up and met his gaze.

"_Aaargh!_ This is all your fault!" Ed said furiously, breaking the flabbergasted silence and pointing at his malicious-looking lover.

"I don't see how this possibly can be my fault, Edward," Roy answered, calmly closing the distance between the young man and himself. He wringed the two pieces of wood out of Ed's hands and held them up to the owner of the billiard table. "Are those yours?"

The man quickly picked up his jaw that had felt somewhere onto the floor at the shock, and nodded. Roy gave the pieces to him, ignoring the stares he received from their audience. He took Ed's hand and began to lead him towards the exit.

"But—" Ed protested.

"Shut up, shrimp cake."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLINMMMFFF—" Roy kissing him effectively stopped the blonde in the middle of his rant. If the people had become surprised by Ed's rant, it was nothing compared to what they became now. The raven-haired man ravished the other's mouth, seeking out Ed's tongue and nibbling on his bottom lip until a soft moan formed in the blonde's throat. When Roy pulled back, Ed was staring at him in a daze.

He once again began to walk against the door, this time with a more reluctant partner.

"Wait, you two!"

Roy stopped and half-turned around, smirking evilly at the man beside the billiard table who had dared to object.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but my kisses aren't for free. Try with someone else."

They left before anyone else could protest. Billiards obviously wasn't their thing. On the other hand... Roy glanced at his blonde lover, who was still in a paralyzed state. They wouldn't suffer too much. After all, he knew about something else that _really_ was their thing.

* * *

A/N: Roy and Ed sure are shameless, aren't they? xP 


	29. The Bet

**Disclaimer: **As usual, I don't own anything. You didn't expect me to, did you?

A/N: Hi guys! Thanks for the reviews, here's the next little update for you.

* * *

**The Bet**

"Are you sure you should do this, boss?" Havoc asked, frowning. "You'll only end up humiliating yourself, you know. I'm _not_ going help you to apologize afterwards."

Ed rolled his eyes. "You won't need to. I'm irresistible!" At the strange look he received from the older blonde, he quickly added, "Well, I'm not stupid. _Of course_ I wouldn't bet on it if I didn't think I could make it!"

Havoc chewed thoughtfully on the toothpick he had put in the corner of his mouth. (It was a substitute for cigarettes, step number one in the quit-smoking program Hawkeye had made for him. He had to follow it, since he really didn't feel like having a gun shoved up his ass.)

Then he nodded. "Okay. So if you can make the Colonel kiss you by simply walk in and ask him about it, you win. But if you he doesn't, you'll be doing all of my paperwork this month. Agreed?"

"Agreed", Ed confirmed. "And if I win, you're doomed to wear a miniskirt."

"There's no way. Our little Roy-boy is about as straight as one could be, and you know it."

At this, the blonde alchemist only grinned and shook his head. _We'll see about that._

-

Ed went through the door of the Colonel's office, just in time to see Havoc bend down outside the windows behind Roy's desk, preparing himself to watch the scene from a covered position.

Roy sat there sharpening pencils, looking extremely bored. But as the little blond entered, his face lit up quite a bit.

"Oh, Fullmetal," he greeted. "Why are you doing me this pleasure?"

Grateful that Havoc couldn't really hear what they were saying, Ed stopped right in front of the desk and offered a smile to his secret lover.

"Can you kiss me?" he asked.

Roy looked startled and quirked his eyebrow at the question, but then shrugged it off and stood up. Ed could be weird at times. Walking around the desk – totally oblivious to the prying eyes of another of his subordinate that were following his every move – he gently cupped Ed's chin and leaned down against his younger lover.

He kissed him slowly, careful to not miss one little spot in the moist cavern with his tongue, aiming for a moan from the other. He was soon rewarded as Ed leaned closer and instinctively wrapped his arms around Roy's neck.

'Oh God! This can't be happening,' Havoc thought, more than fairly shocked. 'Please tell me this is a nightmare... SHIT, _THE BET!_' The last thought was said out loud.

They two men inside the office pulled back at the sound. Roy looked out through the window, surprised to see one of his Lieutenants running away from the building while screaming about miniskirts.

"Was that... Havoc?" he asked, bewildered.

Ed grinned mischievously. "Yeah. And I think I just won a bet."

* * *

A/N: So that was drabble (ficlet, one-shot, chapter, story, whatever) 29, now there's only one more to go. Sorry if it's sudden, but I'm growing a bit tired of RoyEd, and I want to end it on a good number such as 30. And yes, you're welcome to kill me now. 


	30. Fooled

**Disclaimer: **Disclaimer... hmm, I know that word.What does it mean now again? xD

A/N: This took a long time to write. Sorry if there's any OOC-ness, or if it's confusing! I hope you enjoy anyway.

**

* * *

**

**Fooled**

It took a long time before anyone began to notice the similarity between Edward Elric and Roy Mustang. Obviously, they didn't _look_ similar, and that was what counted most for the public. Their appearances were as different as they possibly could, as the first was a blonde and lacked in both his temper and in the height department. The latter was a high-positioned military leader, dark in hair and eyes, not to mention one and a half decade older. But the people close to them could tell there were small changes in both of them as the time went by.

Hughes was of course the first one to notice something. Although the other subordinates didn't seem to care, he couldn't let go of it. So when Hughes patience grew thin – nearly crushed by the weight of his curiosity – he gathered everyone in the office to discuss it. As impressive as that sounds, know that he did it one evening after the Colonel had left. In other words, only Havoc and Hawkeye attended at his little meeting.

"So what is this all about?" Havoc asked, an unlit cigarette wiggling in the corner of his mouth as he spoke.

Hughes stood up – very solemn looking – and cleared his throat.

"I'm sure you all have noticed what has become of our Roy-boy and Ed."

"You mean the fact that they don't fight like crazy carrots on drugs anymore?" Havoc asked.

Hughes sweatdropped. "... Not really."

"Then what?"

"I think they're hiding something from us. Like... they're having a secret relationship!"

The blonde male succeeded in the rather impossible task of choking on oxygen.

"No way in hell! That—"

"I've also thought about that," interrupted Hawkeye, opening her mouth for the first time since they began. "It's like they're slowly growing alike... in some odd way."

Havoc stared puzzled at her. "Why do you think that?" He wanted to know.

"Mainly their change in temperaments. Ed's more calm and mature than usual, and have you seen that new smirk of his? It looks so much like the Colonel's. Also, the Colonel actually threw something resembling an Ed-tantrum when signing the paperwork yesterday."

"I've noticed those things too, now that you mention it..." Havoc said, looking a bit sheepish. "And they have the same humor, that's for sure. But I don't see why that would necessarily mean that they're having a _relationship_."

"I KNOW, I KNOW! Ed has started shaving!" Hughes pointed out, proud to finally reveal his talents as a detective.

The other two, though, weren't impressed.

"That doesn't mean anything," Hawkeye said. "Well, let's face it – he can't be a child forever, Hughes. Unlike some of us..."

Hughes pouted. "Hey, that's not fair! I have a beard, you know!"

The trigger-happy woman merely rolled her eyes at that, and the man continued:

"But he's using the same aftershave as Roy. And the same toothpaste."

Havoc gave the grinning man a strange look. "Umm... I don't want to know how you found out that."

"Let's stick to the more relevant facts instead," the woman in the room purposed, and received a nod from the other blonde. "I've seen the Colonel wearing a red elastic on his wrist, like the one Ed has to his braid."

"That tent-like shirt Ed wore some time ago definitely wasn't his either," Havoc added.

"Ooooh, that's _much _more relevant, is it?" Hughes said, winking.

They decided to ignore his remark.

After ten more minutes of discussion, they had gone through all of it. So, the Colonel and Ed often took the others side in an argument as long as it wasn't one between the two. They occasionally arrived late to work the same day, had lunch at the same time, and overall seemed more comfortable in the other's presence than they did months ago.

So, the three of them – together with the other subordinates – had been stupid for not having noticed earlier. It was very obvious after one gave some thought to it. But now was the big question – what should they do know? Pretending like nothing happened was not an option...

"We have a mission!" Hughes declared. "It's _finally_ time for the great HHH to show the truth to the world! Even if scares the hell out of us!"

"Umm... What exactly do you mean with 'HHH'?" Havoc asked, still not getting the whole picture. "Let me guess! 'Horse-Hunter Hughes'?"

The older man shook his head. "Nope."

"Heart-Haunting Hughes, then?"

"No."

"Hughes Humps Hedgehogs?"

"Eww... that's disgusting..." Hughes said with a grimace, backing away from the blonde man. "What do you say, Riza, should we leave this pervert here and call it quits for today, eh?"

"Sounds good," she answered, and they began to walk.

"NO WAIT, I WAS JUST KIDDIIIIIING!"

Havoc's screams echoed through the military building for the rest of the night.

-

The next day, the HHH (in other words Hughes, Hawkeye and a very humiliated Havoc) decided to go to the bottom of their suspicions and confront the Colonel and Edward directly. They waited until Ed went in for reporting, and some time after that for good measure, and then barged into the office to catch them in action.

When they entered, Roy was sitting behind his desk reading a report belonging to the blonde sitting in the chair on the other side. They both being fully clothed and looking and slightly surprised as the door slammed open. Totally innocent.

"Ops! False alarm!" Hughes informed dumbly to nobody in particular.

"May I ask what the hell you three are doing, coming in here without knocking?" Roy asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nothing, Sir, excuse us!" Hawkeye handled quickly, turning to go out through door, pulling the others with her and closing the door again – everything in one movement.

-

"Well, _that_ was embarrassing," Havoc panted, when they stopped after their running.

"To say the least," Hawkeye agreed.

Hughes – of course – was the one most disappointed. "I can't believe it!" he said repeatedly to himself, still finding it impossible. Where had their calculations gone wrong?

-

"Heh, did you see the look on Havoc's face?" Ed said, leaning his elbows on the desk as a grin crept onto his face. "Priceless."

"Indeed," Roy answered with a smirk. "Should we feel sorry for them?"

"No, they deserved it." And with that, the little blonde left his chair in order to sit down in a much more comfortable place: Roy's lap. They kissed, the smile never leaving Ed's face.

Good thing that the HHH hadn't known of the "business before pleasure"-rule.

* * *

A/N: Yes, HHH means "Hughes, Hawkeye, Havoc". I thought it was kinda funny. xD This was the last chapter in this Ping Pong Drabbles collection.Which was your favorite drabble, and why? It would be interesting to know! 

I have about five or six unposted (old) stories saved, so I might rewrite them and do something with them later on. We'll see what happens in the future. For now, let's call it a paus... for an indefinite time.  
Also, I'm working on a RoyEd one-shot right now, which is to be posted as soon as it's finished. Don't give up on me entirely yet! xD  
Thanks for your support; reading and reviewing. You're the best!

-CDD


	31. Ten reasons why it sucks to be Ed

**A/N: **I'm back! Woot. For now, at least. I've missed you guys.

**Disclaimer: **The ten reasons and the little dialogue are written by me, and the cute parts in-between are written by my friend Wizzosis. Unfortunately, neither of us own FMA.

* * *

**Ten reasons why it sucks to be Edward Elric**

**1. He's short.**

While desperately trying to reach his famous red coat from the coat hanger, Riza walks by and stops to look at Ed for a few seconds.

"Do you need help with that?" Riza asks.

"No thanks, I'll get it." Ed reply.

Riza shrugs and continues walking by as if nothing's happened.

**2. He's very short. **

"Son of a bitch."

Ed kicks the coat hanger and sighs annoyed.

**3. So short that it's abnormally short. **

Ed grabs a chair and stands on it, but still isn't able to reach his coat. He stands on his toes but suddenly looses balance and falls.

"DAMN IT!"

**4. No, you don't understand what I'm trying to say. He's so damn short that you have to use a magnifying glass to see him. **

Hughes and Havoc are looking through binocular from outside the building.

"Is that Full Metal?" Havoc asks.

"I'm not, sure it's difficult to say. Kind of looks like Hawkeye." Hughes replies.

**5. Yes, THAT short. I'm serious here. **

Ed gets a small ladder and climbs up to once again reach for his coat but once again falls backwards and the ladder lands on him.

"£#$€!"

_Note_: Due to respect for the reader, that sentence will not be translated.

**6. He accidentally turned his little brother into a suit of armour. **

"And I WILL restore him. Once I get this damned coat." Ed says.

**7. He's constantly paired up with Winry Rockbell.**

"Oh look, there's Full Metal's girlfriend." Armstrong states.

"Where is Ed?" Winry asks.

"Over there. Trying to get that coat down."

Ed sees Winry and squeals while trying to hide in a closet.

**8. He's often mistaken for a girl… until he looses his temper. **

"I AM NOT A GIRL! Just because I have long blonde hair and am not as tall as Hughes, it doesn't mean I'm a---AAHHH!"

Ed once again falls when trying to get his coat, this time, the cause of his fall is Roy removing the chair on purpose.

"AHHH! $€!£! $€!£!"

_Note: Once again, due to respect for the reader, the sentence will once again not be translated._

**9. Then we have his total lack of height again. **

"Need some help with that Full Metal? You need someone taller for that job." Roy says.

"I DO NOT NEED ANYONE'S HELP! I CAN GET IT MYSELF!" Ed yells.

Roy shrugs.

**10. Roy Mustang has a not so secret crush on him. **

……silence….cricket chirps in distance….

…Wait…did I say that it SUCKS to be Ed? Heheeh…just kidding '

(**Roy:** Is that supposed to be funny? Hmph.

**Ed: **HEY! They're calling me _short_!

**Roy: **That's because you _are_ short, midget.

**Ed: **WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE BLOWS AWAY IF YOU BREATHE ON HIM?! I'M NOT AN ANT!!!!

**Roy: **This has nothing to do with ants.

**Ed: **AHHHH!!! You're trying to change the subject!

**Roy: **…so? XD

**Ed: -**mutters- I hate you so much.

**Roy: **Of course. -smirks-

**Ed:** -sighs-)

* * *

**A/N:** Now, how's that? XD Review and tell me what you think. 


	32. Playing Charades

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough I don't own anything. 

**A/N: **This is actually one of the first fics I ever wrote, but back then I thought it sucked so I didn't want to post it. I found it earlier today and thought the plot was funny, so I decided to rewrite the whole thing but keep the plot. This it how it turned out. 

**

* * *

**

**Playing Charades**

Edward entered Central Headquarters with an annoyed look on his face. The last mission had taken more time than expected, only because some stupid civilians had made their best to get in his way. The Colonel was probably going to fry him for blowing up the buildings...

He swore quietly under his breath as he went through the main hall. As it was, he didn't have time to curse other people any longer. He'd better hurry to make report – only to receive another amount of insults and sarcastic remarks, of course – before anything turned worse.

It was unusually quiet inside the office. The young alchemist managed to catch a glimpse of Fuery and Havoc working with their piles of paperwork in a corner. He frowned at the odd sight, straining his eyes to look after bulges in their pockets. After all, they wouldn't do anything like that without getting bribed first.

Before he had time to react, someone towered up before him.

"You're late, Edward-kun", Hawkeye said in a crispy cold voice, with an undertone that kindly informed the shorter blonde exactly what kind of mood she was in.

So it was _that_ time of the month already. That explained everything. Couldn't he have chosen a better time to come back on? He really didn't feel like getting scolded by a PMS-ridden woman the first thing he did. Ed mumbled a greeting and forced himself to smile.

Hawkeye merely raised an eyebrow at his efforts and continued talking. "Prepare to report within a minute. The Colonel's waiting for your arrival."

"Thanks, Hawkeye."

Ed nodded to her salute and walked away towards the Colonel's office. The other officers watched him curiously, already trying to figure out what the outcome of the report would be. Some of them even picked up their wallets. Ed entered the room without knocking.

"Hello Colonel Bastard", he said as soon as he came in, swiftly locking the door behind his back.

"Oh, if it isn't Full Metal Shorty."

Onyx eyes met Ed's golden. Colonel Roy Mustang sat behind his desk in front of his detested paperwork, his armpits resting against the wood, ready for the rant he knew would come.

He didn't have to wait too long.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HYPER-SMALL SHORTY THAT HAS TO USE A LADDER TO BE ABLE TO CLIMB DOWN FROM HIS BED IN THE MORNING?!?!" Ed shouted, his face taking the same colour as his crimson coat.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" The Colonel beckoned Edward to come closer. Without hesitation Ed went around the desk, placing himself in his superior's lap, a small smirk on his lips. Roy reflexively wrapped his arms around him.

"I expect you to write an extra-detailed report to compensate me for the delay, miniscule." He said.

People were standing outside the door, waiting for the argument they knew would come. The walls of the Colonel's office were thin and they knew how to use this to their advantage. A betting pool had been founded not many months ago, but they were insistent and constantly recruiting new members. Havoc – who was one of the leaders – had already collected the money for this time and held up a finger. Fuery immediately wrote 1-0 to the Colonel in his notebook.

Inside, Ed grinned at Roy, pretending to be pissed off. "Don't expect that from me, jerk! I have a reason for being late, dammit!"

"Then why don't you hurry up with the report, midget?"

"_Aaargh!_ Don't call me midget, you lazy bastard!"

Ed wound his arms around the Colonel's neck, taking in the slight smell of smoke and sweat that seemed to follow his lover everywhere.

"It's about time you came back.", Roy mumbled in his ear. "Those stupid missions... next time I'll burn them instead of giving them to you."

"What, you missed me?" Ed mumbled back, smirking.

He didn't stop smirking, not even when Roy pulled him closer into an impatient kiss. Ed tightened his grip on his neck and answered the kiss, his tongue challenging Roy's in its usual way as the Colonel tugged on the red elastic that held his braid. The blonde hair spread out over his shoulders and Ed pressed closer to Roy, surrendering into the intense kiss.

"You bastard!" Edward said, licking his swollen lips as they finally pulled back. He raised his voice and shouted above the Colonel's head. "You keep giving me stupid missions! Next time I swear I'll—"

Roy interrupted Ed's speech by tugging him into another kiss.

"...Use two ladders instead?" He suggested as they parted, grinning at the red on Ed's cheeks that definitely wasn't caused by anger.

"No, I'll beat that smirk of your face, you son of a—"

They merged in another hard kiss. Roy's arms held Ed in a firm grip, not planning to let go of him as he explored Ed's mouth with his tongue. The younger alchemist raked his hand through Roy's raven hair, all while trying to stay quiet in their passionate embrace.

Outside, Fuery and the others started to worry. This silence couldn't be very healthy for any of the two in the room on the other side of the door.

"It's too quiet. Don't you think they're they playing charades?" Havoc asked, receiving nods in agreement from the others.

"But of course they aren't." Warrant Officer Falman sighed, deciding that it was better to face the Colonel's anger than stay here and let Ed (or as some of them preferred to believe – Roy) get seriously injured. He reached for the doorknob—

"AHAHAHAHAH! I've got it!" Falman stopped in his movements at the sound of Edward's voice. An excited murmur spread among the subordinates as they leaned against the wall to hear the continuing.

"That stance is an ant! And that's... err, lemme think... a fly, a flea, a ladybird, a mosquito...?"

"Oh my, they're actually doing it." Falman thought, almost not believing his ears.

"... a bug, a spider, a gnat, a... AAAAAARGH!!! WHY ARE YOU ONLY IMITATING SMALL ANNOYING INSECTS?!?!"

"I just thought that it would be easier for you to recognize things in your own size," came Roy's lazy reply.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SUPER SMALL CREEP—"

"Here we go." Falman sighed and turned to the others. "The Colonel is winning again."

Disappointed sounds could be heard from the one's who had betted on Ed.

"Sorry, sorry, everyone! But now is not the time to mourn," Havoc said to the crowd. "We'd better get away from here before anyone discovers...—AAAH!"

Hawkeye's bullet missed his left ear with only an inch.

c-d-d

Edward stopped his charade when he heard Hawkeye start shooting outside. She, if anyone, would be able to take the guys away. He sighed inwardly with relief before turning back to Roy, giving him a soft kiss, then smiling a little. As he felt his lover bend down to start kissing on his neck, he soon forgot everything else.

The blonde held onto Roy's shoulders tightly and nibbled on his earlobe, pressing a kiss to a spot behind his ear, all while enjoying the raven-haired man's ministrations. He barely managed to suppress a moan as Roy sucked on the skin of his neck, trailing light kisses and bites down to his collarbones. The Colonel started to move his hands down to the blonde's lower regions, and Ed gasped. He moved his own hands to pull Roy's head up to him so he could kiss him, over and over again.

"Feeling good?" The raven-haired man asked, already knowing the answer.

"Mm... it's good to be back." Ed answered, panting lightly and closing his eyes. His lover nodded, before biting the blonde's neck, perhaps a little too hard.

Ed snapped his eyes open and glared at him. "Ouch! That hurt, bastard!"

Roy smirked.

"Only for you, Ed."

* * *

**A/N:** Your reviews inspire me to continue writing. Thanks for all your support! Please tell me your opinion on this as well. 


End file.
